Friends to thank

If this blog is any reflection of how the past week has been, it would seem that my life was put on hold for a while. In some ways, it kinda was, I guess. But some days, when the majority of your time is spent on work, putting it on hold is actually not that bad a thing.

It wasn't all doom and gloom, even in the days leading up to the surgery. In fact, most people around me had no idea what was happening back home. I guess I was just afraid of people saying stupid, insensitive things -- and how I would react to them. I used to think that I was justified in hitting out at them, because they're the ones who bring out the worst in me, after all. I've since realised that the worst in me is me; I have no excuse.

It's easier, too, pretending nothing was wrong. I was already crying bucketfuls privately; the last thing I needed was to burst into tears in the middle of a lecture.

But you make plans, and they don't always work out. And on Monday night, I ended up blurting out my irrational fears to Z at 2 o'clock in the morning; mostly I was just sobbing really hard, and I cannot remember a thing that I said, only that they probably came out sputtering and incomprehensible. Perhaps that makes me even more grateful that Z so patiently listened and comforted me. Thanks, babe, you have no idea.

If the response online was anything to go by, I really had nothing to worry about -- there was nothing but words of comfort and enouragement, for which I am immensely grateful.

I did, however, actually have people say stupid, insensitive things, but to my surprise, they amused me more than anything else. I guess with people like HW, you can ask yourself "What is wrong with this guy?" only so many times before frustration turns to entertainment. I mean, because, seriously, what is wrong with this guy?

"So how come you're not free on Thursday?" he asked.

I stiffened. I didn't want to talk about it, especially not with HW. But I couldn't make up any excuse in time didn't want to lie.

"Rocky's going for surgery," I said impassively. "But I don't want to talk about it, okay? Please."

"Okay," he replied, and managed to keep quiet for a full five seconds. "Is anyone going with you? Your mom?"

"Yes, probably. I really don't want to talk about it, okay? I mean it."

"Okay," ten seconds this time. "What is it? His heart? Or..."

"His lump. HW -- Really. Stop it now."

"Okay okay," 4... 3... 2... "Aiyah, this is why I will never get a pet! I mean, what's the point, they can only live for a few years, unlike having children... It's just not worth it, lah."

(If nothing else, then just... Dude, I have one word for you: timing.)

"Look, HW. Now you are just being ridiculous. You are saying that your criterion for loving someone is their life expectancy? You cannot expect me to believe that if you fall in love with someone who's terminally ill, you're going to leave them, or just stop loving them. And if you're going to do that, then that's you. Besides, you can't say something is not 'worth it' just because it causes you pain. If you want, you can spend your whole life trying to avoid pain -- don't love, someone may hurt you; don't trust, someone may betray you. But in the process you would have missed out on a lot. Would it be painful for me to lose Rocky? Yes. But if I had to choose over, would I do it all again? A thousand times, yes. HW, you only see a small part of what he does for me. I cannot tell you how many times he's rescued me from those lonely nights -- and I know that you've had many of those too. And sometimes, HW, it's not just about you. Sometimes, there are other people -- or animals -- who just need a shelter from the cold. If along the way, love blossoms, that's really just a bonus. If everyone decides that they don't want to adopt someone in need, then... no, wait, that's the whole point. There are already too many orphans and abandoned pets precisely because of that."

(You can see why I didn't want to start.)

"Okay, okay," he quietened. "I just never thought of it that way, I guess," he finally got it, I think -- I hope. Although, with HW, you never know. "Let's go for lunch," he offered.

"Okay," I conceded -- tired from the barrage of emotion, as if I wasn't already from the sleepless nights.

Three years I've known the guy, and he still manages to frustrate baffle me on an almost-daily basis. It's a good thing I've learnt to laugh about it. Kidding (partly) aside, thank you, HW, for the amusement -- sometimes laughter really is the best medicine, even though you didn't quite mean for it to be funny. You almost never do, actually. :) But at least we've gotten to a point where we can let it slide most times; sometimes, you just have to count those little victories.